Jokes and funniest pictures

Santa is putting presents by the tree when he hears a womans voice say ” santa will you please come sit with me?"

Santa turns and sees a beautiful woman sitting on her couch in a very sexy gown.

Santa says “ho ho ho gotta go, kids are waiting on their toys you know.”

So, Santa goes about his work and is putting candy and toys in stockings when he hears the voice again say, “santa , please come sit with me”.

Santa looks over and now the woman is laying in just her underwear on the couch….

Again he says, “ho ho ho, gotta go, kids are waiting on their toys you know”.

Then Santa goes over and nibbles on a cookie and drinks a sip of his milk when he hears the womans voice one more time…….”PLEASE SANTA, COME SIT WITH ME……im so lonely!”

Santa takes another peek and this time the woman is totally naked and such a beautiful site……

He looks down , looks at her again and says, ” hey hey hey, gotta stay…..can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!!!!!!

Two brothers are opening presents at Christmas.

The younger brother has 20 presents and the older one only has one.

The younger brother says to the older one, “Haha, I have 20 presents you only have one!”

The older brother replies “Haha smart ass, you have cancer.”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the. . ."and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, you must leave the car in the garage."

A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

“I locked my keys in my sports car!” said the nervous lawyer.

“No problem, I should be there in about an hour,” replied the locksmith.

“Do you think you can make it a little sooner?” pleaded the lawyer. “My top is down and it's starting to rain.”

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New York and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.

He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.

Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.

When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, “Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place.”