Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time.

When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?"

Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list.

When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother if Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would.

Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add to my list then."

"What is that?" asked Mom.

"Why an elf, of course." replied Timmy.

"An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for?" queried Mom.

"Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves," replied Timmy, "and have them build me all the toys I'll ever need?"

Santa had a problem, so he went to the doctor and said” doc, i think i have a minced pie up mny arse!”

so the doctor tells him to bend over so he can take a look, “alright mr clause, u do indead have a minced pie up ur backside but do not worry because i have sum cream to go wiv it”

Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of presents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.

“God, i have been a child of perfection this year. I think i should get lots of presents… no that won't work.”

He got on his knees. “God, I haven't been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of presents for my efforts… no that can't work either!”

He laid face flat on the floor. “God, I have been a complete devil this year. But i can change, I promise! No, there's no way he believe that!”

Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the modle of the stable that Jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the virgin Mary. He went into his room, wrapped Mary in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.

“God, if you ever want to see your mother again…"

Its Christmas at a normal family's home….

4 year old sister, mom, dad, 16 year old sister and 14 year old brother.

Mom in the kitchen stuffing the turkey. All of a sudden turkey falls off counter and mom goes “FUCK!”

Then little girl says “Mommy what does 'fuck' mean?”

Frantic mom says “ummm its just what I'm doing to the turkey =)”

“Ok” says the little girl, then the little girl goes upstairs and sees dad shaving in the washroom. All of a sudden he cuts himself and goes “SHIT!”

Little girl says “daddy what does 'shit' mean?”

He answers quickly “ummmm, its just the white stuff on my face…” “ok” says the little girl.

She goes to her older sister's room and sees her on her cell phone she says “……..What?……. REALLY!?……THOSE BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!!!!!”

Then the little girl says “Melissa, what does 'bitches and bastards mean'?” quickly her older sister answers “They're both just other words for people”

“ok” says the little girl. then she goes to her bro's room and sees him looking at a porno magazine….. she hears him say “Wow….. look at those tits and balls!” *drools*

Then the little girl says “Tony, what does 'tits and balls' mean?” quickly the older brother answers “ummmm….. they're just another word for scarfs and sweaters” he says just randomly thinking of them.

“ok” says the little girl. when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. The little girl opens the door and sees some friends of mom and dad.

she says to them “hello bitches and bastards! please hang your tits and balls on the rack. My Daddys in the washroom wiping the shit off his face and my Mommy in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”

Santa is putting presents by the tree when he hears a womans voice say ” santa will you please come sit with me?"

Santa turns and sees a beautiful woman sitting on her couch in a very sexy gown.

Santa says “ho ho ho gotta go, kids are waiting on their toys you know.”

So, Santa goes about his work and is putting candy and toys in stockings when he hears the voice again say, “santa , please come sit with me”.

Santa looks over and now the woman is laying in just her underwear on the couch….

Again he says, “ho ho ho, gotta go, kids are waiting on their toys you know”.

Then Santa goes over and nibbles on a cookie and drinks a sip of his milk when he hears the womans voice one more time…….”PLEASE SANTA, COME SIT WITH ME……im so lonely!”

Santa takes another peek and this time the woman is totally naked and such a beautiful site……

He looks down , looks at her again and says, ” hey hey hey, gotta stay…..can't go up the chimney with my dick this way!!!!!!

Two brothers are opening presents at Christmas.

The younger brother has 20 presents and the older one only has one.

The younger brother says to the older one, “Haha, I have 20 presents you only have one!”

The older brother replies “Haha smart ass, you have cancer.”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the. . ."and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, you must leave the car in the garage."

A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

“I locked my keys in my sports car!” said the nervous lawyer.

“No problem, I should be there in about an hour,” replied the locksmith.

“Do you think you can make it a little sooner?” pleaded the lawyer. “My top is down and it's starting to rain.”

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.

Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New York and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"