Jokes and funniest pictures

1. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.

2. No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.

3. Buy one big brown belt and you'd be accessorized for life.

4. You'd always work in sensible footwear.

5. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

6. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.

7. Juggling work and family would be easy. All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.

8. You'd never take the wrong coat on your way home.

9. You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.

10. No one would ask to see your job description

Father Christmases are being sent on health and safety courses in the UK so they don't hurt themselves while balancing children on their knees.

Will and Guy have discovered that classes will include the correct posture to adopt in their chairs as excited youngsters queue to reel off their Christmas lists. Santa will also be taught how to lift heavy presents without doing himself an injury.

Dozens of the one-day courses are being staged by the Chartered Institute of Environmental Health. A spokeswoman stressed, 'Of course there's only one Santa - but hundreds of stand-ins work in stores in the run-up to Christmas.'

Santa Claus' sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my toboggan, please?'

'Sorry,' the car driver replied, 'I'm not a mechanic – I'm a chiropodists .'

'In that case,' said Father Christmas, 'Please can you give me a tow?' [toe]

The German newspaper Munster am Sonntagg reports that a speeding Santa will have to find a new way to deliver his presents this year after German police have prosecuted him and he has received a driving ban.

Bernhard Siewert, 36, was stopped by road traffic police near Munster while dressed as Father Christmas. He said he was only speeding because he was late for a festive party at an OAPs home where he had to give out presents.

The police officers said they had caught him on camera driving at 92 mph in a 60 mph zone and could not ignore the law even for Santa.

Bernhard was given a fine and a three-month driving ban.

A Santa Claus is facing the sack from a Dutch shopping centre after he smacked a young boy for pulling his beard.

Peter Hendriks hit the boy on the backside in front of dozens of shoppers in the town of Rijswijk. Defending his actions, he said: 'If I hadn't done that, he would have pulled off my beard and dozens of children would have been traumatised.'

Timmy, age 4 went to see Santa for the first time, and he asked Santa for lots of toys. The next day, his mother and Timmy had to go out and do some more shopping. They saw Santa again and Timmy sat on Santas lap a second time.

When Santa asked Timmy what he wanted for Christmas, he said in a questioning voice "But I told you what I wanted yesterday!?"

Santa quickly covered himself by quickly saying that he thought Timmy might have thought of something else to add to his list.

When they went out again a few days later, Timmy asked his mother if Santa was going to be there. She promptly told him he would.

Timmy thought a bit then said "I thought of something else to add to my list then."

"What is that?" asked Mom.

"Why an elf, of course." replied Timmy.

"An elf? Whatever do you want an elf for?" queried Mom.

"Why ask for toys when I can ask for elves," replied Timmy, "and have them build me all the toys I'll ever need?"

Santa had a problem, so he went to the doctor and said” doc, i think i have a minced pie up mny arse!”

so the doctor tells him to bend over so he can take a look, “alright mr clause, u do indead have a minced pie up ur backside but do not worry because i have sum cream to go wiv it”

Little Johnny was planning on getting lots of presents for Christmas. He knew that god had a connection to the North Pole, and stood up and started to pray.

“God, i have been a child of perfection this year. I think i should get lots of presents… no that won't work.”

He got on his knees. “God, I haven't been the best child since last December. I still deserve lots of presents for my efforts… no that can't work either!”

He laid face flat on the floor. “God, I have been a complete devil this year. But i can change, I promise! No, there's no way he believe that!”

Johnny went to his last resort. He walked over to the modle of the stable that Jesus was born in. Little Johnny reached in and pulled out the virgin Mary. He went into his room, wrapped Mary in a sock, and placed her in his drawer.

“God, if you ever want to see your mother again…"

Its Christmas at a normal family's home….

4 year old sister, mom, dad, 16 year old sister and 14 year old brother.

Mom in the kitchen stuffing the turkey. All of a sudden turkey falls off counter and mom goes “FUCK!”

Then little girl says “Mommy what does 'fuck' mean?”

Frantic mom says “ummm its just what I'm doing to the turkey =)”

“Ok” says the little girl, then the little girl goes upstairs and sees dad shaving in the washroom. All of a sudden he cuts himself and goes “SHIT!”

Little girl says “daddy what does 'shit' mean?”

He answers quickly “ummmm, its just the white stuff on my face…” “ok” says the little girl.

She goes to her older sister's room and sees her on her cell phone she says “……..What?……. REALLY!?……THOSE BITCHES AND BASTARDS!!!!!!!”

Then the little girl says “Melissa, what does 'bitches and bastards mean'?” quickly her older sister answers “They're both just other words for people”

“ok” says the little girl. then she goes to her bro's room and sees him looking at a porno magazine….. she hears him say “Wow….. look at those tits and balls!” *drools*

Then the little girl says “Tony, what does 'tits and balls' mean?” quickly the older brother answers “ummmm….. they're just another word for scarfs and sweaters” he says just randomly thinking of them.

“ok” says the little girl. when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. The little girl opens the door and sees some friends of mom and dad.

she says to them “hello bitches and bastards! please hang your tits and balls on the rack. My Daddys in the washroom wiping the shit off his face and my Mommy in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”