Jokes and funniest pictures

"You and me" the song sung by Sarah Brightman and Liu Huan at the Olympic opening ceremony which is now said to be a song about rising oil and food prices, since "you" in Chinese is a homonym for oil (油) while "mi" sounds like rice (米). So many people say the song reflects the "One World, One Dream" so precisely because the world is expecting more oil and rice.

At the closing ceremonies, International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge announces that the IOC has decided that the next Olympics will be held again in Beijing instead of London since the games were so successful.

The news sends millions of Chinese into a faint. Even the doctors swoon. Only the police are strong enough to withstand the news, and they immediately shout in unison: “Go to hell, Rogge!"

Before a gymnastics event at the Beijing Olympics, an American athletesat next to a Chinese athlete in the locker room.

"Everyone in the States says China has human rights problems," said the American. "Is that true?"

"I'm afraid so," said the Chinese athlete. "In our legal system, it is hard to get a fair trial. The judges decide who has won before the trial takes place."

"That's terrible," said the American.

Trying to lighten the mood, the Chinese athlete said, "So, do you think you will do well on your floor routine today?"

"I know I will," said the American. "We've paid off the German and French judges, and the Russians are trading votes with us."

At a recent press conference, a reporter asked the chairman of the Chinese Olympic Committee about China's Olympic slogan, "One world, one dream."

"As recently as ten years ago," said the reporter, "Chinese leaders expressed their plans to spread Communism throughout the world by the use of force. How do you respond to critics who believe the 'one world' idea in the Olympic slogan sounds like a plan for world conquest?"

"That's ridiculous," said the Chinese spokesman. " 'One world' simply refers to the fact that the entire world is gathering together in Beijing for the Olympics. It's a statement of unity. Any suggestion that China is trying to conquer the world is absurd."

And what about the 'one dream' part of the slogan?" asked the reporter. "What is the dream?"

"A utopian society founded on Marxist principles, of course."

White house aide: Mr. President, I just noticed a conflict on your calendar for August 2008. You promised to attend the closing ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics on August 24, but you are scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention only one week later. If you attend the Olympics, you won't have time to prepare for the Convention.

Jiang Zemin, the former Chinese paramount leader, has died. In the afterlife he comes upon the gatekeepers for heaven and hell. They say to him, “Where do you want to go? Do you want to go to heaven, or do you want to go to hell?”

Jiang pulls his chin, thinks, and says, “Well, I would like to see what each is like first.”

The gatekeepers agree, and the gatekeeper for hell shows him a video of hell. He sees people drinking and dancing and laughing.

The gatekeeper from hell says, “So, do you want to come in?”

Jiang says, “Wait, I want to see what heaven is like, too.”

The gatekeeper for heaven then shows Jiang a video of heaven. Everyone in heaven is seen to be working very hard, cleaning windows and mopping floors.

After the video ends, Jiang says, “I have decided. I will go to hell!”

The gatekeeper from hell bows his head in assent, and opens the gates of hell.

Jiang walks in, the doors close behind him, and he looks upon a scene of horror. Masses of people are wailing and screaming in agony as they are burned in a lake of fire.

Jiang turns back to the gatekeeper and says, “But what about the video I saw?”

The gatekeeper replies, “That was produced by CCTV.”

What do Tom Arnold and the Summer Olympics have in common? They both change homes every four years.

For the third time now, Tom Arnold has gotten a divorce after just four years of marriage. The departure of wife number three now makes Arnold just two rings shy of the Olympic emblem.

Q. What does the Chinese Olympics dog-and-pony show have in common with the Democratic Convention dog-and-pony show?

A. They're both put on by commies!

President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor.

They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn't know what he's doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken'.