Jokes and funniest pictures

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

• Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
  • Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

• Good girls wax their floors
  • Bad girls wax their bikini line

• Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
  • Bad girls know they could do it better

• Good girls wear white cotton panties
  • Bad girls don't wear any

• Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
  • Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

• Good girls pack their toothbrush
  • Bad girls pack their diaphragms

• Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
  • Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

• Good girls wear high heels to work
  • Bad girls wear high heels to bed

• Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
  • Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

• Good girls prefer the missionary position
  • Bad girls do to, but only for starters

• Good girls say no
  • Bad girls say when?

• Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
  • Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

• Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
  • Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

• Good girls wax their floors
  • Bad girls wax their bikini line

• Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
  • Bad girls know they could do it better

• Good girls wear white cotton panties
  • Bad girls don't wear any

• Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
  • Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

• Good girls pack their toothbrush
  • Bad girls pack their diaphragms

• Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
  • Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

• Good girls wear high heels to work
  • Bad girls wear high heels to bed

• Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
  • Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

• Good girls prefer the missionary position
  • Bad girls do to, but only for starters

• Good girls say no
  • Bad girls say when?

• Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
  • Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"