Jokes and funniest pictures

Legend has it that some of these lines work better after a couple of drinks...

"Nice shoes, want to go back to my pad?"

Look at the tag on their shirt and then say: "Oh, I thought you were made in Heaven!"

"If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

"Hi, I'm suffering from amnesia. do I come here often?"

"Do you have a twin sister? Cause I've seen you here before."

"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"Were your parents thieves?" "No, why?""Because they must have stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."

"Did it hurt?" "Did what hurt?" "When you fell down out of heaven."

"Is it hot in here or is it just you?"

"Hello." Alternately try "Hi."

"Hi, do you like this band? I SAID, HI DO YOU LIKE THIS BAND?!?"

"Didn't I go to school with you?"

"Haven't you been in Cleo?"

"Hi, can I buy you a drink?"

"You must be my guardian angel?"

"Hey, you have something on your lips." "What?" "Me!"

"Your hair looks nice. What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Don't I know you from a past life?"

"If I told you that you have a great body would you hold it against me?"

"Excuse me, do you have a mobile phone I can use? I told my Mum I'd call her when I fell in love!!!"

"No wonder the sky is grey today, all the blue is in your eyes."

"I lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?"

"Do your feet hurt?" "No, why?""Cause you've been running through my mindall night."

"Is your father a terrorist? Because you're da bomb!"

"What's your star sign?"

"I've stopped lighting fires now."

My dearest wife is always going on and on and on about NOT making a fuss over her on Valentine's Day. She repeats that it's the thought that counts.

Well, I put a lot of thought into the gifts from previous years but she didn't quite take to any of them like I assumed she would. Here's my list – see what you think:

• Brand new mop and bucket. I was thinking it would be fun to see what colour the floor was because I couldn't remember.
• Romantic dinner at fast food restaurant. I was thinking that she might like to go inside for a change instead of fetching dinner at the drive through.
• Chocolates left-over from last year's candy box. I was thinking of how proud she'd be of me for not wasting food. She's been nagging me for years to recycle.
• Midnight moped ride through the park. I was thinking that I'm getting too old to be peddling on the bike.
• Dozen roses printed on high quality photo paper. One of my favourites. I was thinking these would last a lifetime instead of just a week.
• 45 second back massage. I was thinking any longer and she might think I was interested in something else.
• Windows Vista I was thinking how proud she would be to be a part of the technology crowd.

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother.

The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.”

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.”

“Really?”

“Yes sir. They're called darts.

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar.

After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely,"Um, would you mind if I give you company?"

She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?"

Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed.

After a few minutes, the woman walked over to him and apologized - "You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!"

The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub in a Valentine's day night. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'

Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.